Reminiscing

When I see kids watching Hannah Montana or The Wizards of Waverly Place or iCarley these days, I can't help but feel sorry for them. Because the best shows were created in the 90's -hands down! The millennium ruined good TV. I want the 90's back.

Shows like Kenan and Kel, All That, Who's Afraid of the Dark?, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Doug, Hey Arnold, Rugrats, Boy Meets World, The Wonder Years, etc. > The shit on TV today

Bucket List (#2)

- take a yoga class
- experience the 'road life'
- be more open to trust
- make a pen pal
- travel Europe
- be a writer
- find my calling
- attend a Jay Z concert
- learn a new language
- write a children's book
- go on an African safari
- write a love letter
- run a marathon
- fall asleep within 10 minutes, regularly
- sleep under the stars

Carpe Diem.

Shocked. Shocked and numb. That was how I felt when I first heard the news. Then, came regrets and questions; all the while, trying my hardest to remember. To remember his face, his expression, remember if I had ever spoken to him. I knew him, not personally, but I once passed by him every day. I passed by him in the hallways, rushing to class in our minuscule, a little over 100-person high school. I never really gave him much thought, except he was tall. Tall and quiet. A boy with few words who hung out with the same people I did. They say he took away his own life. Now that I think of it, I don’t understand why we weren’t friends. Why I never smiled at him, talked to him even after all the times we hung out in groups. He was friends with most of my friends, I knew him, so could anyone have done more? Did people keep in touch after high school? Or was everyone just too busy with their own lives? Was there anything different that could’ve been done? Were there signs? Those must be the questions on everyone’s minds. Family, friends, classmates, associates. And the main question, Why?

He was 22. Young, bright, and about to graduate from college. Only 22, with his whole life ahead of him. He must have had goals, dreams, aspirations so how could anyone have known such a tragedy could ever even take place. There is no room for guilt, blame, or fault. Just 'Carpe Diem', meaning "seize the day". Remember that you only have one life to live. And life is short. So cherish everyone in your life, catch up with old friends, kiss your mother, strive for your dreams, be the best person you can be, and realize that some of the "bad" things in your life really aren't so bad. At least, let David teach us that.

Rest in Paradise, David A. Chan
2/11/1988-7/23/2010

This past weekend

Tiffany came back to Boston to visit from New York. Of course we had to squeeze in a night out at Ocean Club.

On another note, I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. I know I'm turning 21 in two weeks, but I'm ready to retire from the nightlife. Been doing this for way too long. It's time for me to hand over my party girl badge and really focus on the things that are important in my life. I woke up from a drunken night and truly had an epiphany. I need to get motivated and focused asap.

Summer so far.

fun-filled nights with great people, what more can I ask for?

some reasons for this magical week

Right when I thought my life had become uneventful, this week I:

1. went to Dj's, a local sportsbar, to watch the playoffs vs. Lakers with good company (on another note, Let's go Celtics!!!)

2. got to see close friends and extended family at my sister's graduation bbq. We don't get to see each other as much as we would like, but they are my rock. Family comes first - ALWAYS.

3. got down n' dirty at Ocean Club for the birthday couple. Happy birth-week to Jessica & Steve, love yall!

4. attended my mama's dance competition. She's been taking ballroom classes for ages now and finally made her FAB debut! So proud of her and she did ahhhh-mazing.

What's not to love?

Bring it on.

I'm in a really good place right now and I've been thinking...summer. I have lots of adventures planned and I really can't wait. Waiting is hard.

Things I am looking forward to:
-beautiful weather
-summer dresses
-mini trips with good company
-camping trip
-cookouts & beaches
-NYC
-cruising in the sun
-dancing with friends
-late-night bold conversations
-time with my sisters
-travel
-balance

My modern-day bible.

"Truth be told, I have never seen “bitch” as a bad word. Instead, I see the word for what it is: a reflection of people’s lack of creativity and inability to acknowledge and embrace a powerful woman.”

When people think Kelly Cutrone, they think "bitch". (After all, that is how she is often portrayed.) But she is anything but that. She is just raw and downright real. Kelly Cutrone offers some true words of wisdom and advice in her new book, "If You Have to Cry, Go Outside." It's truly the modern-day bible. I only have three words: Read this book!

"This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won’t feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you know what it means to fail. You can’t know what it’s like to feel holy until you know what it’s like to feel really fucking evil. And you can’t be birthed again until you’ve died."

"I was reminded of the Peggy Lee song "Is That All There Is?" was life just a mating game where we're out there looking for a partner and then we have 2.5 kids and, if we're lucky, save over 250,000 for retirement and grow older and either get taken care of by our kids or end up in a nursing home and die? It seemed like we were all just chasing our tails: waking up, going to work, fucking, fighting, loving, saying we're sorry over and over and over again. What are we doing here? And who am I? What is important to me, and who and what am I serving?"

"There can be a fine line between being courageous in following your dreams and being self-destructive in the service of ego, greed, and approval. But then, my mother never told me that if I did everything I was programmed to do and chased all the things I was supposed to chase-and wear, and be without ever developing a true and unshakable sense of self, I'd crash into a million pieces one day when something went wrong."

so much to say

I have been so busy these past few months and I've been slacking on my posts. I have so much to say, but I don't know where to start. A couple of weeks ago, we celebrated Anh's birthday with dinner at the Oceanaire Seafood Room and a night out at Umbria. I had a great night and that was basically the highlight of my now sad, school-filled, uninspired, work-occupied life.

lazy days

I came home from my 11-hour overnight shift and crashed into a deep, self-indulgent sleep. I woke up in the middle of the day feeling refreshed and brand-new. I ended up spending my day watching cheesy movies and being an internet whore. Although some might call this unproductive, I am realizing some of the most unproductive days are the best days! This is who I am for now and I am perfect, whole and complete at the moment!

"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time" -Bertrand Russell

Morning Log

Mood: warm & optimistic

Morning read: finishing up 'Water for Elephants' by Sara Gruen

quote of the day:

oh god it's wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much
-excerpt from Frank O'Hara's 'Steps'

sound of the day: Chasing Pavements by Adele

Inspirational photos:

Inside My Head

My thoughts have been overwhelming these past few weeks. Amidst the chaos of them, I've added to mind collisions whether I'm standing in line at the store or laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. With only thoughts to interrupt thoughts, the only thing I could come up with was writing down what it is that is in my head.
...and so we have my thoughts.

I've been thinking of: doing laundry, real friends, my upcoming spring semester at FSC, buying a new dress, how I can't wait to be 21, how I could really use a damn vacation, self-control when it comes to food, how I am slowly becoming an insomniac, not to forget to call people back, setting new goals for myself, my new job, actually keeping a job, Miami weather, how I am going to find money for the upcoming Miami trip, the tight Massachusetts senate race, old friends, when he will leave my head for good, remembering who I am, and finally giving my head a rest.

goodbye 2009...for good.

It's been 2010 for a week now and I guess it all just hasn't really sinked in yet. I just felt like 2009 went by extremely fast and I can't believe now it's another year already. At first, I thought to myself, "Did I really have time to enjoy 2009? Did I do anything spectacular or out of the blue?" But then the more I thought, the more I realized 2009 was indeed a great year. There were so many good times which in turn made it all seem to go by way too fast. I'm actually realizing that I'm kinda, sorta sad to see it go in a way. But a new year means a time to make new memories and I'm actually looking forward to see what's in store for me.

2009 was the year I experienced: laughter, drunken episodes, new friendships, goodbyes, a broken heart, long, hot showers, karaoke, drinking too much coffee, fabulous weekends, dancing until blistered feet, tears, late night movies, shopping endlessly, the nightlife, disagreements, sleeping in, our first black president, hour-long phone conversations, home cooked meals, sweet dreams, wonderful company, the beautiful city of Boston, comedy clubs, infatuation, game nights, lazy Sundays, reading myself to sleep, catching up with old friends, my baby sister learning how to walk, and my love for all things floral.

With anticipation, in 2010, I will resolve to:
-smile more
-be a better granddaughter, daughter, sister, and friend
-be mindful about my thoughts and actions (could be anything from gossiping or the art of expressing thanks)
-make my new friendships hopefully into old and fruitful friendships
-read and write more often
-realize that it's not always a bad thing to put yourself out there once in a while
-be happy, be loved.

all black everything.

@ Rumor's in Boston.

stuck in the past.

The worst feeling in the world is to love and hate someone all at the same time. It's been almost a year and it took me that long for reality to settle in. It’s strange, but love is a strange thing. I began to do things I would never normally do. In the early stages, I would cry alone at random times and mope around my house for weeks. I knew I had to get out of this unhealthy situation I was causing myself. I was causing myself even more pain and grief because he hurt me and the heartache was already too much. I became irrational at times and made excuses for him. I assured myself that things would work out between us because I was afraid. I was afraid because it was hard to watch things change when all I wanted was for them to stay the same. Countless of people told me to just let go. I was foolish and reassured myself they didn’t know every little thing we had been through so they would never understand. I kept holding on and even when I thought I wanted to move on, I felt like I was stuck where I started. Yes, moving on takes time, but you’ll never move on if you’re still holding on to that tiny piece of bullshit hope. After a while, it hurt so much that I just wanted to get my mind off things. I began meeting up with old friends, going out all the time, and trying to fill the void inside. Months go by quickly and I still felt like I was doing a great job at letting go. I had been meeting new people and going out all the time.

Little did I know, I was still stuck. I didn’t want to believe it, but that was the truth. I still thought about him, checked up on him, talked about him and I never ever let anyone else get too close. Again, I was afraid. I was afraid and did not want to give up that small piece of hope that he would come back. Love can make you feel so small and as insignificant as humanly possible and it can ache in places you never knew you had inside of you. It doesn’t matter how many times you go out, how many people you meet, how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many shots of tequila you take with your girlfriends because you still go to bed every night going over the details of the past and wonder what if. Did you do something wrong? Could you have misunderstood and how in the hell did you think for an instance that you were even happy? Sometimes I did not even realize it, but I brought up his name often. Other people realized it and I just ignored it, thinking there was no harm to it. But it really was harmful and it posed a problem because it proved I was not letting myself move on. After a night out, a close friend and my sister sat me down. My friend blurted out that I really needed to stop this cycle I was creating and really move on now, or in other words, stop fucking holding on and get your shit together bitch! I was shocked because no one had ever been so blunt with me, but that was exactly what I needed. At first, I was angry at her words because I did not want to admit it. I was in denial. I was “over” him already and this was some bullshit she was trying to prove. But, then, I broke down and all the pain I had been bottling came pouring out. A year’s worth of hidden pain. That was just the wake-up call I needed. That’s when I realized I had been hurting myself this whole time. And for what? He was the one who fucked up on me. The one who didn’t deserve my love. He wasn’t having a hard time so why was I? I felt stupid. But that’s love. Love is stupid, love hurts, love is full of pain, and love is the craziest rollercoaster of emotions.

But then you learn. You learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. And you learn that you really are strong and that you really do have worth, and with every goodbye, you learn.

bucket list.

bucket list: A must-do list of life experiences we dream of completing before we end our time on Earth.

All this talking about living life, blah, blah, blah has really gotten me thinking, like damn what if I was gone tomorrow? What are some of the things I would want to achieve? What would be my meaning of actually living life? So, I came up with my very own bucket list. If I could do these things before my "time", I would really consider my life well lived...

-live in Japan for 1+ year(s)
-visit the pyramids in Egypt
-write a novel
-ride on a hot air balloon
-watch the sunset go down with someone I love
-drastically change someone's life
-swim with dolphins
-learn how to swim first
-spend a full day in a library
-adopt a child from a third world country
-witness something truly magical
-visit the Taj Mahal in India
-ride a camel in the desert
-spend New Year's in NYC
-ride on the back of a motorcycle
-visit the Himalayas
-learn how to play an instrument (preferably the guitar)
-teach English overseas
-fall in love fearlessly
-take cooking classes
-climb Mount Everest
-plant a garden
-take a spontaneous road trip
-go rock climbing
-go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras
-fly a kite
-go on a gameshow
-wake up extra early to watch the sunrise
-find true happiness*

living life.

I have been thinking a whole lot these days. Sad, but thoughtful thoughts. A friend of a friend passed away a week ago and a great deal of people I know have been quite upset and hurt. I did not know him personally nor did it ever strike me to talk to him when I saw him from time to time. I believe that no one ever really thinks about a person they barely know, but when the death is so sudden and the people around you are hurt and you just feel so sad for them that you begin to ponder....what if? How is his family and loved ones coping? Maybe if he decided not to go on that trip? What if I had talked to him, even just a hi, before he left this world? Would that change my thoughts about him? How can this happen to a person so young, someone you just saw the other day? and last but not least, Did he live his life to the fullest? For some reason, every time a person passes on, whether I know them, or just saw them on the news, or read it in a newspaper, young, or old, I wonder about the person's family, their life, and the way they lived it. And I really hope they lived their life the way they wanted because it's just sad to know if they didn't. You would be a chapter of people's lives, but they will move on. Not because they want to, but because life doesn't stop for anybody. So, you have to live, not for anybody, but for yourself because tomorrow really is never guaranteed and because life will go on without you. And that really is some scary stuff.

"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies, but not everyone lives" -A. Sachs

real talk.

Don't let yourself get so angry that you stop loving
because one day, you will wake up from that anger
and the person you love won't be around anymore.

Just a thought.

Change is a funny thing. It happens to everyone as we grow up. We either find out who we are or we're not even quite sure of what we are becoming. Then one day, we just look at ourselves and wonder how we got here. I have made plenty of mistakes in the past and I'm still making mistakes to this day, but I'm learning something new about myself almost every day. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but unless you have lived my life, don't judge me because you don't know, never have, and never will know every little thing I've been through.

Life changes, people grow up and grow apart, and I am still trying to accept it. Everyone takes different paths in life, but I believe we take a little bit of each other everywhere. I just think it's sad that people you know start becoming people you knew. When you can walk right past someone as if they were never a part of your life. How you used to be able to talk and now you can barely look at them. It's sad how things change so much, but sometimes you have no choice. You just keep the memories, but you also find yourself moving on. Change is necessary, but sometimes people don't realize how much they are leaving behind. Everyone should remember what used to be good because if we don't, we won't recognize it even if it hits us between the eyes.

things that made my day.

waking up extra early for breakfast.

floral skirts.

the enticing laugh of my baby sister.

random, afternoon naps.

first signs of Falling Leaves
(woop woooop Fall is coming soon!)

It's those simple things in life that make it all worthwhile...