lazy days

I came home from my 11-hour overnight shift and crashed into a deep, self-indulgent sleep. I woke up in the middle of the day feeling refreshed and brand-new. I ended up spending my day watching cheesy movies and being an internet whore. Although some might call this unproductive, I am realizing some of the most unproductive days are the best days! This is who I am for now and I am perfect, whole and complete at the moment!

"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time" -Bertrand Russell

A Woman's Worth

The thing I have been finding out lately is that a lot of females hang on to men in general as a means of support. There are the girls who get too emotionally dependent on their men, meaning their whole life revolves around him, their relationship, and his needs - never hers. Then there are the type of girls who feel like they need a man in order to be happy or to be happy with themselves. These girls let their insecurities get to them to the point where they feel like a man is the only way to make them feel good about themselves. But it really is no excuse and I'd be damned if I thought the only way to feel good about myself was through a man. In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

I know this one girl who prides herself in always having a guy around even though they never stick around. She will constantly talk about the latest guys in her life as if a man is the only thing that keeps her sane. She is always either smitten or heartbroken, one or the other. If one doesn't work out, she'll move on to the next one. I don't think I will ever understand it. The more people chase after love, the more love runs away until all your emotions and insecurities begin getting involved. The idea that you always need somebody around is just a cycle. Each guy that comes into your life will just became a replacement for the last one until it becomes never-ending. A repeating cycle.

Some girls believe in order to be happy or to feel a sense of "security", they need a man to keep them that way. And the same goes for guys. But people have to realize the difference between true happiness and short-term happiness bliss. They are not the same thing. A lot of people in general feel like they always need someone there and they depend on just that, but although it starts out harmless, it ends up being unhealthy and repetitive. The truth is you don't need anybody, but yourself. You don't need a man or a woman to define who you are. The only person that can make you happy is yourself. The only person who can make you feel loved is yourself.

The only person that can make you feel _______ is yourself.

Morning Log

Mood: warm & optimistic

Morning read: finishing up 'Water for Elephants' by Sara Gruen

quote of the day:

oh god it's wonderful
to get out of bed
and drink too much coffee
and smoke too many cigarettes
and love you so much
-excerpt from Frank O'Hara's 'Steps'

sound of the day: Chasing Pavements by Adele

Inspirational photos:

Inside My Head

My thoughts have been overwhelming these past few weeks. Amidst the chaos of them, I've added to mind collisions whether I'm standing in line at the store or laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. With only thoughts to interrupt thoughts, the only thing I could come up with was writing down what it is that is in my head.
...and so we have my thoughts.

I've been thinking of: doing laundry, real friends, my upcoming spring semester at FSC, buying a new dress, how I can't wait to be 21, how I could really use a damn vacation, self-control when it comes to food, how I am slowly becoming an insomniac, not to forget to call people back, setting new goals for myself, my new job, actually keeping a job, Miami weather, how I am going to find money for the upcoming Miami trip, the tight Massachusetts senate race, old friends, when he will leave my head for good, remembering who I am, and finally giving my head a rest.

my sister, Jennifer

She is the only person who "gets" me.

Whenever, wherever, no matter how tired, ugly, or cranky I feel, she makes me feel like me.
She keeps me grounded and sane.
She is the person who completes my me.

We are completely different,
and ironically the same.
We're like a perfect compliment,
she brings out the best in me and I in her.

She has taught me to be:
strong, intelligent, vulnerable, lively, bold, graceful, loud, thoughtful, acceptable, thankful, witty, zany, caring, adventurous, deep, sentimental, nostalgic, crazy, mature, defiant, better.
She has taught me to be the best me I can be.

She inspires love out of me.

love, love, love!

I truly admire & love Rihanna as both a woman and an artist so imagine my excitement when I found out she was doin' it big for W magazine. A lot of people have been trying to pull her down, but she's showing a new side and I'm loving her don't-fuck-with-me type attitude. This girl is not only extremely talented and stunning, but she's proving herself to be fucking fearless!

go head, girl!

A Woman Should Have...by Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a youth she's content to leave behind.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...a feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to fall in love without losing herself.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to quit a job, break up with a lover and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...when to try harder and WHEN TO WALK AWAY.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...where to go,be it to her best friend's kitchen table or a charming Inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.

speaker worthy.

"Don't deep throat, she floats, murder she wrote, and keeps the heat close."

I miss the 90's - the decade of true hip hop music.

goodbye 2009...for good.

It's been 2010 for a week now and I guess it all just hasn't really sinked in yet. I just felt like 2009 went by extremely fast and I can't believe now it's another year already. At first, I thought to myself, "Did I really have time to enjoy 2009? Did I do anything spectacular or out of the blue?" But then the more I thought, the more I realized 2009 was indeed a great year. There were so many good times which in turn made it all seem to go by way too fast. I'm actually realizing that I'm kinda, sorta sad to see it go in a way. But a new year means a time to make new memories and I'm actually looking forward to see what's in store for me.

2009 was the year I experienced: laughter, drunken episodes, new friendships, goodbyes, a broken heart, long, hot showers, karaoke, drinking too much coffee, fabulous weekends, dancing until blistered feet, tears, late night movies, shopping endlessly, the nightlife, disagreements, sleeping in, our first black president, hour-long phone conversations, home cooked meals, sweet dreams, wonderful company, the beautiful city of Boston, comedy clubs, infatuation, game nights, lazy Sundays, reading myself to sleep, catching up with old friends, my baby sister learning how to walk, and my love for all things floral.

With anticipation, in 2010, I will resolve to:
-smile more
-be a better granddaughter, daughter, sister, and friend
-be mindful about my thoughts and actions (could be anything from gossiping or the art of expressing thanks)
-make my new friendships hopefully into old and fruitful friendships
-read and write more often
-realize that it's not always a bad thing to put yourself out there once in a while
-be happy, be loved.