Settling

My whole life, I've settled. Settled for the absolute bare minimum. I used to find myself settling in all aspects of major life decisions: career, lifestyle, love. Settling on my grades in school. Settling financially, never caring to weigh my options. Settling for people. For friends. For love. Settling for just getting by. Always just accepting the love I thought I deserved. How sad is it to feel best at living a partial life? Never willing to learn, to take action, to strive a little bit bigger. How naive I was. To never see my potential meant I never had an available opportunity to believe I was strong beyond measure.

I'm done chasing the wrong things. I'm finally going to give the right things a chance to catch me. I'm changing the way I think, changing the way I feel, and I'm raising the bar. No more settling for mediocrity.

Forgiveness

Looking back at our relationship, I now understand how unhealthy and toxic it was. I know it was never his intention to hurt me, but what happened happened and things spiraled out of control all too quickly. It was the worst experience of my life and it is something no girl should ever have to go through. He was obsessive, manipulating, an alcoholic and a liar but he was not evil. I don't doubt the fact that he truly loved me, cared for me, and wanted things to work out between us. But love makes people do crazy things and I see it now. Our relationship was toxic from the beginning and our situation could have been prevented. I should have left long ago but I kept holding on until things got worse and ultimately I was the one left hurt. Now I know better. Some days I hate him and the thought of him disgusts me, but then other days I tell myself that he was not that bad and he didn't mean for things to happen the way it did. Holding onto this grudge is becoming an obsession. To hold onto pain & hate is like a disease and it will only spread. I need to remind myself to be strong. I need to listen to my own intuition about right and wrong. I need to move on from the past because it's haunting me. I need to let it go because I am only doing harm to myself. I don't have to talk to him but I know I need to find it in my heart to forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because I deserve peace.

Strong women don't play victim, don't make themselves look pitiful, & don't point fingers. They stand & they deal. Mandy Hale