Inspiration

Dans le cou
Vogue Paris June/ July 2010

credit: absinthrill

Falling,

I can honestly say I have fallen in love only once in my life.

I was seventeen and a senior in HS. Beyond shy, naive, and eminently innocent. If I said that I had a lot of friends back then, I would be lying. I always felt awkward in high school, only keeping close to both my best friends. He, on the other hand, was everybody's friend and everyone knew him. He was funny and charming and easily loved by all. This boy with his air of presence could simply leave an impression on anyone that knew him and when he walked into a room, you would know. He always had this certain boyish charm about him passing by me in the hallway with his million dollar smile, giving daps to boys and hugs to girls. His presence had me school girl blushin' and I just couldn't figure it out. I took in his voice, his smile, his laugh, his cheesy jokes, his everything and locked it deep down inside my heart. He was endlessly charming and wonderful. I was hopelessly awkward and un-impressionable. I had always came to the conclusion: he would probably never approach me, talk to me, let alone notice me.

I never would've guessed he would one day, even for a second, see me the way I saw him. After all, I was a fool who believed I was never good enough, who believed I had nothing to offer this guy who was loved by everyone. In the end, I would never have guessed he would be the first boy to hold my hand, kiss me, rock me to sleep, tell me sweet nothings, and ultimately leave me with this unwanted emptiness in the pit of my stomach. From the first moment he made small talk, gave me a friendly hug in the halls, stole my number from his friend, called me that first night...the rest was history. After the hours-long phone conversations every night, that first lunch date where he interwined my fingers with his, and ended it with a kiss on my forehead, I wore my heart on my sleeve. For him. Because I wanted him and I wanted this unexplainable feeling to stay for as long as it possibly could. It was wonderful. It was magical. It was indescribable. A blessing. And I loved this boy. This boy everyone loved, this boy with the brown eyes who could make my knees weak with just one touch, one laugh, one look. I made him my world and maybe that was where I went wrong. But I didn't care. I gave myself to him for the taking just because he could. He had control over my emotions, thoughts, body. He had control over me. I poured out my most inner feelings, my underlying secrets, my fears and darkest insecurities because I wanted him to know me best. To see the real me and love me for it.

When he slowly drifted away from me, it felt like my world was leaving me. Like I was undeserving of his love and I was the girl he did not want any longer. I loved him, but he wasn't sure if he loved me. And it was painful. Like experiencing a wonderful world you never knew existed and then having it ripped from you. It broke me down like falling when all I wanted was flying. The person who had been there all along was suddenly gone with no desire to return. And in the end, I was the one who was left shattered with only memories, tears, and a forgotten feeling of happiness.

Although love left me crying myself to sleep for nights, refused to let me trust for years, left me fragile; I feel happy. I feel grown. I feel healed. I loved so hard, I feel blessed. I feel like a different woman.

my perfect home.

Spiral staircase, bay windows, fireplace, paintings.
And lots of books.

#dope

Dope python ring by Skova

Bring it on.

I'm in a really good place right now and I've been thinking...summer. I have lots of adventures planned and I really can't wait. Waiting is hard.

Things I am looking forward to:
-beautiful weather
-summer dresses
-mini trips with good company
-camping trip
-cookouts & beaches
-NYC
-cruising in the sun
-dancing with friends
-late-night bold conversations
-time with my sisters
-travel
-balance

bruno mars

if they say life’s a dream, call this insomnia
cause this ain’t wonderland and damn sure ain’t narnia.
and once you cross the line, you can’t change your mind.
yeah, i’m a monster but i’m no frankenstein

Mass Art Fashion Current 2010

If you don't know, get acquainted.
This is Janet Khuu, she makes beautiful clothes
and she is my talented friend.

Janet & I

eye candy

The quintessential "bad boy" of The Hills, Justin Bobby is also the guy all the girls love to hate. Either way, no one can deny that Justin Bobby has always had this remarkably unique, "messy", bad boy style or swagg about him. So I was thrilled when I found out he is now a reality-star-turned-model, even photographed in the pages of Italian Vogue. I must say, it suits him really well and he looks daaaamnnn good.

My modern-day bible.

"Truth be told, I have never seen “bitch” as a bad word. Instead, I see the word for what it is: a reflection of people’s lack of creativity and inability to acknowledge and embrace a powerful woman.”

When people think Kelly Cutrone, they think "bitch". (After all, that is how she is often portrayed.) But she is anything but that. She is just raw and downright real. Kelly Cutrone offers some true words of wisdom and advice in her new book, "If You Have to Cry, Go Outside." It's truly the modern-day bible. I only have three words: Read this book!

"This is an important lesson to remember when you’re having a bad day, a bad month, or a shitty year. Things will change: you won’t feel this way forever. And anyway, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs most. I believe you can’t feel real joy unless you know what it means to fail. You can’t know what it’s like to feel holy until you know what it’s like to feel really fucking evil. And you can’t be birthed again until you’ve died."

"I was reminded of the Peggy Lee song "Is That All There Is?" was life just a mating game where we're out there looking for a partner and then we have 2.5 kids and, if we're lucky, save over 250,000 for retirement and grow older and either get taken care of by our kids or end up in a nursing home and die? It seemed like we were all just chasing our tails: waking up, going to work, fucking, fighting, loving, saying we're sorry over and over and over again. What are we doing here? And who am I? What is important to me, and who and what am I serving?"

"There can be a fine line between being courageous in following your dreams and being self-destructive in the service of ego, greed, and approval. But then, my mother never told me that if I did everything I was programmed to do and chased all the things I was supposed to chase-and wear, and be without ever developing a true and unshakable sense of self, I'd crash into a million pieces one day when something went wrong."