#

i want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. i want a man lying over me, always over me. his will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. i don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman i want to be dominated. i don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that i am capable of doing, but i am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.
anais nin

Heroes: Mos Def

Favorite couple: The Obamas

Mr. President & his Missus.

#

remember me is all i ask, but if remembering me becomes a task...forget me.

Happy birthday, Jennifer Chen

Always there, always caring, always making me glad you're my sister.

Today was my first time baking...ever. When she realized I made them, she started cying. She means the world to me and I would've baked a long time ago if I knew they would make her this happy lol.

This is love.

nothing short of amazing

“I lost my tour, I lost my clothing line, my mother passed… Even this film was shot down, but we’re rockstars — f–k your opinion. My swag is so one hundred million trillion.” - Kanye

"Do you know what I hate most about your world?
Anything that is different, you try to change."

Self-indulges

I need to kick myself for not following through with my personal oath to withdraw myself from living paycheck to paycheck. But my self-indulgence seems to find a way to justify my spending habits in a beat of a pulse. You see, I'm still in this adjustment phase in my new life of 'delusions of grandeur' and I am way overdue for a re-evaluation. I have this tendency of becoming completely caught up with wanting things and chasing things until I need to remind myself not to let it consume me.

Clothes do not make the woman, even though they do make her look good.

fairytale dreaming

"If you can't see beyond the horizons, close your eyes."

Ladies,

you're worth more. Don't let him tell you any different.

Sleepless nights

I have an early-morning class and a quiz in a few hours but for some reason, I am getting urges to watch a classic Audrey Hepburn film.

Watching Breakfast at Tiffany's until I fall asleep...

Day 15 — The person you miss the most.

Janet Khuu,
We've been friends for a long time coming now. I believe it's been 8 or 9 years, at most. It's funny to think that we were once wacky, angry pre-teens raging with hormones. And how in some ways, we still haven't changed. We've had our ups and downs. We've seen each other at our best and we've seen each other at our worst. Looking back, I can see how much we have both transformed and how much our friendship is still progressing. Recently, you went on Taiwan for vacation. I don't know why but I've been thinking a lot about you and just friendships in general. I called your phone on numerous occasions, hoping you would pick up so I could tell you how much I miss you and complain about all the things going on in my life right now. Of course i knew that all these calls would go straight to voicemail but you still have no idea how disappointed I was every time it did. And yes, sometimes I can be really blind. It took me your going away for a month to realize how you are my truest friend, how friendships like ours are so rare, and how glad I am that you are in my life. You are so true, loyal, and good to me. I really am lucky to have you as my friend. So many people go through life without finding that one person who understands them, but I have that in you. You have definitely impacted my life in a dramatic way so with that said...I really fucking miss you. And I can't wait, can't wait, can't wait for you to come back home to Boston.

Morning Log

Mood: It's 6:48 Am and I'm feeling way too inspired & awake

Morning Read: Currently reading "Twelfth Night" by Shakespeare for class

Quote of the day:
"Everyday should be a new start. Every time the sun rises, it should erase all the BS you went through yesterday. Ain’t no point in trippin about what you went through in the past cause you can’t change it. So you might as well love what you got & appreciate the moment that you're in. Cause you might not get another one. Pay attention." -Murs & 9th

5 things I'm excited about at the moment:
(1) getting my paycheck on Thursday.
(2) wearing my new oxfords.
(3) folding my freshly clean laundry.
(4) Vado's Slime Flu album is dropping soon!
(5) getting all my work done. It's a wonderful feeling.

sound of the day: feelin' a bit soulful today and loving me some Musiq Soulchild =)

"See I've been watching you for a while and I just gotta let you know that I'm really feeling your style. Cause I have to know your name and leave you with my number and I hope that you would call me someday. If you want you can give me yours too and if you don't I ain't mad atcha. We can still be cool."

quote of the day

"they say that goodness in life belongs to those who believe. so, i believe."

Mos Def

Favorite couple: Kanye & Amber Rose.

f*cking ridiculous

"Hammer went broke so you know I’m more focused
I lost 30 mill, so I spent another 30
cause unlike Hammer, 30 million can’t hurt me
fucking insane
what the fuck am I saying?"

If a man wants you.

"If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

If he cheated with you, he'll cheat ON you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary... not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman PREPARE.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them."

-Unknown

Livin' pretty

Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from.

TMak,
Some time ago, if anyone asked me who I considered my best friend, I would say your name first without even a hesitation or blink of an eye. You were once the only person I trusted and the person who knew me better than I knew myself. I had two best friends and then I went from having two to losing the most important part of me. We went from being the best of friends to strangers. Now, we don’t even talk anymore. And I ponder from time to time about when, why, how, and where did we go wrong? It was hard to stay in touch after high school because of college, distance, and simply the fact that we were just busy. Yeah, time and distance separated us but everything just went downhill from there. You went from being the person I knew best to being someone I don’t even know at all. I feel like things could’ve been different. I don't know how you feel about it or if you blame me, but I don't think it's completely my fault. Honestly, it goes both ways because you could've tried harder to reach out to me too. I feel like we just kind of gave up. Yeah, friendships change and sometimes friends just drift apart, but it was different for us. You were like a sister to me and I know that for me, there are some things I would have done differently to have you back in my life. Who knows what will happen in the future or when the next time we'll talk again will be. I still love you to death and wish you nothing but the best.

Wake me up when September ends.

Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you.

I thought long and hard for this one, but I honestly can't think of anyone.

Favorite couple: The Carters

Day 12 — The person who caused you a lot of pain.

You’re my mother so of course I love you unconditionally. But you are also a person who has caused me a lot of pain. Because of many of the choices you have made, you have made our family suffer in return. Not once have you ever put your daughters before yourself and I don't think I will ever understand it. There are just some things that you can never give back. Some things will never be okay. And that is why I think we hold such a deep animosity towards you. I try not to, but it's so hard when that feeling has been there for as long as I can remember. I've known this bitter feeling all too well and it just won't go away. There is no other way to feel about it because you haven't changed and aren't willing to and that just makes me plain sad. Because you don't want to change your ways and to finally act like a mother to your children. I just hope one day, you will have a change of heart and it won't be too late.

Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to.

To my grandpa chen:

You passed away when I was 7, but some of my greatest childhood memories revolve around you. I am not afraid of a lot of things, but I was truly afraid when I lost you. And now, I'm just afraid that I will forget you in time. It's been so long and I was fairly young, but there are just some things I can't forget. You may not know it, but I still cling onto the thought of you. I remember your favorite blue chair and how you would be able to sit there for hours, watching tv and holding me on your lap. I remember the sweet bread you used to buy every week just because it was your favorite. I remember how you used to spread newspapers on the dinner table before we ever had our meals. You used to wake up early just to cook for me when I came over daily and you spoiled me rotten. I was considered the youngest then and you used to spin me around, tell me I was your favorite, hold me in your arms, and keep the older kids from picking on me. You scolded them for messing with me, spanked their booties when they pulled pranks on me, and you never let anything bad happen to me. You protected me and you were my protector. When you passed away, I felt scared and unsure of myself. You always made me feel safe and I don't think I have ever felt the same love again. No one did ever love me the way you loved me. The bond we had was special and I will always remember you dearly. If I could tell you something, anything. I would tell you how fond I am of you and how much I miss you. You were the head of our household, a true family man, and my wonderful ye-ye.

Summer 2010,

...it's been real, but I got to let you go.

Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to.

To my sweet, dear grandma:

My whole life growing up, I have always considered you my parent. You brought me up, taught me right from wrong, and g ave me a special kind of love unlike any other. I'm not saying dad and my mom weren't great parents. I know they did their best, but any ounce of good sense I may have picked up along the way has come from you. You are my sweet, sweet ma-ma who has raised me with so much love, taught me the morals I encompass to this day, and encourage me always with your wise words. I am the way I am today because of you and no one could ever come close. As a little girl, I have always been by your side. And I also know that as time flies by and seasons change, I am growing up and unintentionally, slowly drifting from your side. You probably think I forgot about you since I don't always get to see you as much as I would like. You have no idea how sad that makes me because it couldn't be farther from the truth. You mean everything to me and I want to do my best from now on to come see you more often. The truth of the matter is I don't think I will ever be able to care and love another human being the way I do with you.

Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet.

John Steinbeck,
You are beyond doubt one of my heroes. Although you passed away over 50 years ago, you are definitely someone I would love to meet. I first discovered you in the 7^th grade when I read “Of Mice and Men.” I remember finishing that book in awe and after that, constantly scanning library shelves for your amazing work. To this day, you remain my favorite writer. My all time favorite has got to be “The Grapes of Wrath” because that was justly your first great book and also your last great novel. Your legacy truly lives on through your work.

Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend.

I don't have any internet friends.

Girl crush: Marilyn Monroe

"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul."

Marilyn Monroe

on repeat,

"I just wanted to be at peace with you. And if I gotta settle for a piece of you, then I gotta say peace to you."

Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend.

I'm sure I will write a letter to him down the road so until then....

Day 6 — A stranger.

I don’t talk to strangers. I’m extremely shy so I don’t think that would ever happen. I do love meeting new people through friends though, but I believe strangers are strangers for a reason. I have to admit that sometimes I do look around and notice the people around me. People, in general, fascinate me. There are just certain people I see pass by on the street, in pictures, in classes, on trains and I want so much to hear their story. To ask them, “Are you truly happy?"

levi's love

mmmhm...

Day 5 — Your dreams.

Hello,

Lately, my dreams have been a tad off and I’ve been wondering why that is. I have been dreaming of the most random things and half the time, I don’t even know what I’m dreaming about. I always seem to forget once I wake up, no matter how hard I try to remember. I am determined to remember and record my dreams one of these days.

Reminiscing

When I see kids watching Hannah Montana or The Wizards of Waverly Place or iCarley these days, I can't help but feel sorry for them. Because the best shows were created in the 90's -hands down! The millennium ruined good TV. I want the 90's back.

Shows like Kenan and Kel, All That, Who's Afraid of the Dark?, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Doug, Hey Arnold, Rugrats, Boy Meets World, The Wonder Years, etc. > The shit on TV today