strangers

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favourite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

Life is too short

1. When your friends ask you to hangout, and you don’t feel like it, don’t go. Don’t ever do things halfway or do something that makes you uncomfortable. With everything, give all of yourself, even the pieces you never knew existed.

2. It is okay to not know. Everyone always despises the phrase, “I don’t know” but no one tells you that it is okay to not know. The becoming is more important than the being, anyways.

3. If someone ever makes you feel less, in any way, you have every right to walk away. You have every right to cut out toxic people in your life. To close the door on people who make you feel bad about who you are or what you stand for. Friends don’t tear down, they build up.

4. Loss is always going to happen. Just like paint will always chip and rain will always fall, loss will always be part of life. No matter how much I don’t like it, or avoid it, it is going to walk my way at several times in my life. Learn to embrace it and learn to get closure.

5. Give yourself a chance. Stop saying, “I don’t think I can” or “But what if I am not able to?” and give yourself a chance. This may be cliche, but try to believe in yourself. When you get older, your knees won’t work the same and you won’t have the best memory, and you are going to wish you’d given yourself a chance years sooner.

6. Fall in love. Don’t be guarded before you fall in love. You could fall in love three times and still not find the right one, but none of it is going to make “the one” matter less. Don’t fall into that idea that your first love has to be your best love. Fall in love as many times as it naturally happens.

7. Firsts are going to be messy. First loves, first kisses, first dates, first failed tests, first college class, first time you drive a car, first time you ride a plane - first times were made to be imperfect. Just because it’s messy and all over the place, doesn’t mean it can’t be good or worthwhile.

8. You want another scoop of ice-cream? Go get it. Get three more scoops of ice-cream if that is what you want. “Fat” is not the opposite of beautiful and it is not the opposite of happy. Don’t let anyone tell you that your body type isn’t beautiful. Beauty is a social construct, create your own, become your own.

9. Let yourself be alone. Loneliness is not a bad thing. It is healthy and normal. Everyone needs to spend a good portion of their life alone. We learn who we are when we are alone; life is less crowded and more clear when we are alone.

10. If you aren’t happy where you are, change it. Quit your job, move, become a vegetarian, get a new hobby, pick up an old hobby, whatever you do - make sure it benefits you. Life is too short to not be alive, to not be passionate, and overflowing.

— Amanda Helm - Ten things I learned before I turned twenty

concrete

"I think she was afraid to love sometimes. I think it scared her. She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it was. I think that's why she also struggled with love. She couldn't touch it. She couldn't hold on to it and make sure it never changed."

black parts

when you love someone
that came to you disguised in wholeness you’ll be surprised by the pieces of them that break on your teeth
Their blood will drip down your chin
you’ll taste the bitter copper and discover 
you have to find a different way to love them 
they can’t be chewed and swallowed
made into nourishment to satisfy the lust that rises from your spine
she’s been touched before
you felt a similar burn beneath finger tips 
you have to love soft enough
cautious enough not to duplicate scars
hard enough to convince her she’s not still a victim
you want to always ask her permission 
to make up for all the men who didn’t 
for the man who turned her hymen into a causality of his inferiority and ungodly aggression 
the man who turned her whimper into a repugnant melody
all the men who fucked their way into your day dreams about her 
and you’ll start to wonder if they fucked their way into your home 
they would have already invaded your conversation 
you would have watched her dissolve whenever she speaks of the roughness of men 
watched her skin sear at the thought of those that accused her of lying about all the fire that made battle between her legs
you’ll hate her history enough to want to hate her too
so you won’t have to love the black parts of her 
the parts that were scared off accepting you when you kept throwing yourself whole 
the parts that kept her back to the wall
the parts that won’t let you touch that part
the parts that keep her part drunk and part high so she can only see parts of her bruises 
and part of you who wish you got to her first before she was more piled and woman 
before she had hated every piece of herself that let those men inside her but its too late 
you would have already given pieces of yourself to repair her 
there isn’t much of you anywhere
you would have given her half your pulse 
your heart will beat half a regular for her 
you won’t be sure which scars are yours 
and which ones you share 
you will have no other choice but to love all the parts that she can’t 
to love her
in all her blackness
by then
by then you will need her 
in order to feel whole
despite all of the pieces she’s fallen into 
you need her so you stay and everyday you’re terrified 
you’ve never been here before 
in a place so hostile 
so steaming fresh, flesh wound 
and she’s never been here either 
everything soft and good is foreign 
you will always be part aftermath and unexpected 
there will be days
where she will doubt all the love you have because of all the love that has been siphoned from her hips 
there will be days
when you will look at her naked and what if you’re just like those men 
because your hands and their hands have travelled the same skin
there will be days 
when you hate yourself for it 
and those moments, will be the darkest 
and there will always be darkness where sun has been back porched drunk dead ripped from a person 
there will be holes
where light should be 
you will never give up trying to replace it 
you will cherish the sun that she has left 
to make morning with her every night

The other half of my heart

There is no remedy for memory. Rest in paradise my sweet, dear ah-ma.

I love mine, I love mine, I love mine.

Settling

My whole life, I've settled. Settled for the absolute bare minimum. I used to find myself settling in all aspects of major life decisions: career, lifestyle, love. Settling on my grades in school. Settling financially, never caring to weigh my options. Settling for people. For friends. For love. Settling for just getting by. Always just accepting the love I thought I deserved. How sad is it to feel best at living a partial life? Never willing to learn, to take action, to strive a little bit bigger. How naive I was. To never see my potential meant I never had an available opportunity to believe I was strong beyond measure.

I'm done chasing the wrong things. I'm finally going to give the right things a chance to catch me. I'm changing the way I think, changing the way I feel, and I'm raising the bar. No more settling for mediocrity.

Forgiveness

Looking back at our relationship, I now understand how unhealthy and toxic it was. I know it was never his intention to hurt me, but what happened happened and things spiraled out of control all too quickly. It was the worst experience of my life and it is something no girl should ever have to go through. He was obsessive, manipulating, an alcoholic and a liar but he was not evil. I don't doubt the fact that he truly loved me, cared for me, and wanted things to work out between us. But love makes people do crazy things and I see it now. Our relationship was toxic from the beginning and our situation could have been prevented. I should have left long ago but I kept holding on until things got worse and ultimately I was the one left hurt. Now I know better. Some days I hate him and the thought of him disgusts me, but then other days I tell myself that he was not that bad and he didn't mean for things to happen the way it did. Holding onto this grudge is becoming an obsession. To hold onto pain & hate is like a disease and it will only spread. I need to remind myself to be strong. I need to listen to my own intuition about right and wrong. I need to move on from the past because it's haunting me. I need to let it go because I am only doing harm to myself. I don't have to talk to him but I know I need to find it in my heart to forgive him. Not because he deserves it, but because I deserve peace.

Strong women don't play victim, don't make themselves look pitiful, & don't point fingers. They stand & they deal. Mandy Hale

People

"You can not change the people around you, but you can change the people you choose to be around."

There are only two people I can think of that is worthy of my friendship, besides my family. The rest are people who have let me down again and again. Knowing the experiences I have been through and how much pain he put me through, you would think they would get it.

vacuum

Scars.

There are different types of scars. 

Birthmarks, scars caused by accidents: maybe a fall or a scrape or a burn; 

Scars that heal and scars that leave marks.

There are old scars. There are new scars.

And then there are the deep scars. 

The ones that run through your body so deep like blood through your veins. 

The ones who refuse to let you forget. 

Determined to never let you heal, to not un-break your heart, and to never set you free.

These scars aren’t ordinary.

No, they cannot be seen.

They are misunderstood.

And no one knows they ache in every corner & every ounce of your being.

Like the pain of unrequited love,
these scars make you feel broken, worthless,

And they sting your eyes with the tingle of each tear.

But no, this is not a story about unrequited love.

This is a story about memories.

Memories of real love.

Memories of happier times when you were all I knew.

Then the memories turn dark.

Memories of hopelessness, anger, frustration became all we knew.

When you can look me in my eyes, but not really see me.
Like you’re looking through me and my heart is breaking.

Breaking because there was a time when you would look at me.
And I mean, really look at me and call me beautiful and tell me you love me.

A female’s intuition does not lie.

I should’ve foreseen the way our story would end.
Inevitable, unavoidable, a disaster.

You can tell me sorry a millions times over, tell me you will change,

Tell me you love me, tell me things will get better;

And still not admit wrong, as if you have no faults.

Maybe defeat is too tough to admit,
And pride is too hard to swallow.

But sometimes it is just far too late.

Because the ending of our story has already been written.

It was written by you.

The physical scars are gone now, but the psychological wounds remain.

They have changed me.

I am colder.

I am no longer naïve. 

I am an emotional collision, waiting to happen.

Because truly, how do I begin the process of healing this tender wound in my heart? 

And I guess it’s true what they say.

“The hottest love has the coldest end.” 

When logic battles love. 

With a death of such intense passion; 

It leaves a vacuum of emptiness in my body and in my soul.

It feels like poisonous butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

And I promise myself that one day, I will stop chasing your memories in my dreams. 

I’ll stop bringing your name up over dinner, when I’m lonely, at the supermarket, when I hear a love song on the radio, and even when I drink just a little too much. 

And I know that one day, I will move on.

Because when that day comes, I will tuck the pain away slowly.

I will hide it so well that even I will believe it is no longer there.  

Within time, the years will wrinkle my skin.

Wrinkles that will define the survival years of my life,

With a heart that has experienced wisdom beyond her years,

And I will remember that faded scar of my past.

And I will think of you.

Of our hottest love and our coldest end.

Goals

I just received my diploma in the mail and I really don’t think it has hit me yet. As I look back, I remember there was a time when even I thought I wasn’t going to graduate. I was failing and withdrawing classes. I was lazy and unmotivated. It’s crazy how I went from being at risk of academic probation to receiving Dean’s List during my last two terms of college. From changing my GPA from a 1.98 to a 2.73 has been a huge academic feat for me. Although my GPA is no where near a 4.0, I feel as if I have accomplished and overcome so much to get to where I am today. I never thought I would see this day.

Currently, I am working three jobs, seven days a week. I’m exhausted. There are days where I feel stressed, negative, and annoyed but I need to keep reminding myself not to give up now. I don’t ever want to drift from my goals and passions for my future. My biggest ambition for right now is to go back to school and receive my Master’s degree. There is nothing I want more than that. I truly believe education will be the key to changing my life around. It can help me change a negative to a positive. It will make me realize who I am, what I want, and it will ultimately give me worldly knowledge that I can use throughout my life. I’m almost 24 already and I don’t want to live my life in regret.