stuck in the past.

The worst feeling in the world is to love and hate someone all at the same time. It's been almost a year and it took me that long for reality to settle in. It’s strange, but love is a strange thing. I began to do things I would never normally do. In the early stages, I would cry alone at random times and mope around my house for weeks. I knew I had to get out of this unhealthy situation I was causing myself. I was causing myself even more pain and grief because he hurt me and the heartache was already too much. I became irrational at times and made excuses for him. I assured myself that things would work out between us because I was afraid. I was afraid because it was hard to watch things change when all I wanted was for them to stay the same. Countless of people told me to just let go. I was foolish and reassured myself they didn’t know every little thing we had been through so they would never understand. I kept holding on and even when I thought I wanted to move on, I felt like I was stuck where I started. Yes, moving on takes time, but you’ll never move on if you’re still holding on to that tiny piece of bullshit hope. After a while, it hurt so much that I just wanted to get my mind off things. I began meeting up with old friends, going out all the time, and trying to fill the void inside. Months go by quickly and I still felt like I was doing a great job at letting go. I had been meeting new people and going out all the time.

Little did I know, I was still stuck. I didn’t want to believe it, but that was the truth. I still thought about him, checked up on him, talked about him and I never ever let anyone else get too close. Again, I was afraid. I was afraid and did not want to give up that small piece of hope that he would come back. Love can make you feel so small and as insignificant as humanly possible and it can ache in places you never knew you had inside of you. It doesn’t matter how many times you go out, how many people you meet, how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many shots of tequila you take with your girlfriends because you still go to bed every night going over the details of the past and wonder what if. Did you do something wrong? Could you have misunderstood and how in the hell did you think for an instance that you were even happy? Sometimes I did not even realize it, but I brought up his name often. Other people realized it and I just ignored it, thinking there was no harm to it. But it really was harmful and it posed a problem because it proved I was not letting myself move on. After a night out, a close friend and my sister sat me down. My friend blurted out that I really needed to stop this cycle I was creating and really move on now, or in other words, stop fucking holding on and get your shit together bitch! I was shocked because no one had ever been so blunt with me, but that was exactly what I needed. At first, I was angry at her words because I did not want to admit it. I was in denial. I was “over” him already and this was some bullshit she was trying to prove. But, then, I broke down and all the pain I had been bottling came pouring out. A year’s worth of hidden pain. That was just the wake-up call I needed. That’s when I realized I had been hurting myself this whole time. And for what? He was the one who fucked up on me. The one who didn’t deserve my love. He wasn’t having a hard time so why was I? I felt stupid. But that’s love. Love is stupid, love hurts, love is full of pain, and love is the craziest rollercoaster of emotions.

But then you learn. You learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security. And you learn that you really are strong and that you really do have worth, and with every goodbye, you learn.

bucket list.

bucket list: A must-do list of life experiences we dream of completing before we end our time on Earth.

All this talking about living life, blah, blah, blah has really gotten me thinking, like damn what if I was gone tomorrow? What are some of the things I would want to achieve? What would be my meaning of actually living life? So, I came up with my very own bucket list. If I could do these things before my "time", I would really consider my life well lived...

-live in Japan for 1+ year(s)
-visit the pyramids in Egypt
-write a novel
-ride on a hot air balloon
-watch the sunset go down with someone I love
-drastically change someone's life
-swim with dolphins
-learn how to swim first
-spend a full day in a library
-adopt a child from a third world country
-witness something truly magical
-visit the Taj Mahal in India
-ride a camel in the desert
-spend New Year's in NYC
-ride on the back of a motorcycle
-visit the Himalayas
-learn how to play an instrument (preferably the guitar)
-teach English overseas
-fall in love fearlessly
-take cooking classes
-climb Mount Everest
-plant a garden
-take a spontaneous road trip
-go rock climbing
-go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras
-fly a kite
-go on a gameshow
-wake up extra early to watch the sunrise
-find true happiness*

living life.

I have been thinking a whole lot these days. Sad, but thoughtful thoughts. A friend of a friend passed away a week ago and a great deal of people I know have been quite upset and hurt. I did not know him personally nor did it ever strike me to talk to him when I saw him from time to time. I believe that no one ever really thinks about a person they barely know, but when the death is so sudden and the people around you are hurt and you just feel so sad for them that you begin to ponder....what if? How is his family and loved ones coping? Maybe if he decided not to go on that trip? What if I had talked to him, even just a hi, before he left this world? Would that change my thoughts about him? How can this happen to a person so young, someone you just saw the other day? and last but not least, Did he live his life to the fullest? For some reason, every time a person passes on, whether I know them, or just saw them on the news, or read it in a newspaper, young, or old, I wonder about the person's family, their life, and the way they lived it. And I really hope they lived their life the way they wanted because it's just sad to know if they didn't. You would be a chapter of people's lives, but they will move on. Not because they want to, but because life doesn't stop for anybody. So, you have to live, not for anybody, but for yourself because tomorrow really is never guaranteed and because life will go on without you. And that really is some scary stuff.

"Death is more universal than life; everyone dies, but not everyone lives" -A. Sachs

quote of the day.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one, I hope someday you will join us, and the world will live as one.

- John Lennon-