People

"You can not change the people around you, but you can change the people you choose to be around."

There are only two people I can think of that is worthy of my friendship, besides my family. The rest are people who have let me down again and again. Knowing the experiences I have been through and how much pain he put me through, you would think they would get it.

vacuum

Scars.

There are different types of scars. 

Birthmarks, scars caused by accidents: maybe a fall or a scrape or a burn; 

Scars that heal and scars that leave marks.

There are old scars. There are new scars.

And then there are the deep scars. 

The ones that run through your body so deep like blood through your veins. 

The ones who refuse to let you forget. 

Determined to never let you heal, to not un-break your heart, and to never set you free.

These scars aren’t ordinary.

No, they cannot be seen.

They are misunderstood.

And no one knows they ache in every corner & every ounce of your being.

Like the pain of unrequited love,
these scars make you feel broken, worthless,

And they sting your eyes with the tingle of each tear.

But no, this is not a story about unrequited love.

This is a story about memories.

Memories of real love.

Memories of happier times when you were all I knew.

Then the memories turn dark.

Memories of hopelessness, anger, frustration became all we knew.

When you can look me in my eyes, but not really see me.
Like you’re looking through me and my heart is breaking.

Breaking because there was a time when you would look at me.
And I mean, really look at me and call me beautiful and tell me you love me.

A female’s intuition does not lie.

I should’ve foreseen the way our story would end.
Inevitable, unavoidable, a disaster.

You can tell me sorry a millions times over, tell me you will change,

Tell me you love me, tell me things will get better;

And still not admit wrong, as if you have no faults.

Maybe defeat is too tough to admit,
And pride is too hard to swallow.

But sometimes it is just far too late.

Because the ending of our story has already been written.

It was written by you.

The physical scars are gone now, but the psychological wounds remain.

They have changed me.

I am colder.

I am no longer naïve. 

I am an emotional collision, waiting to happen.

Because truly, how do I begin the process of healing this tender wound in my heart? 

And I guess it’s true what they say.

“The hottest love has the coldest end.” 

When logic battles love. 

With a death of such intense passion; 

It leaves a vacuum of emptiness in my body and in my soul.

It feels like poisonous butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

And I promise myself that one day, I will stop chasing your memories in my dreams. 

I’ll stop bringing your name up over dinner, when I’m lonely, at the supermarket, when I hear a love song on the radio, and even when I drink just a little too much. 

And I know that one day, I will move on.

Because when that day comes, I will tuck the pain away slowly.

I will hide it so well that even I will believe it is no longer there.  

Within time, the years will wrinkle my skin.

Wrinkles that will define the survival years of my life,

With a heart that has experienced wisdom beyond her years,

And I will remember that faded scar of my past.

And I will think of you.

Of our hottest love and our coldest end.

Goals

I just received my diploma in the mail and I really don’t think it has hit me yet. As I look back, I remember there was a time when even I thought I wasn’t going to graduate. I was failing and withdrawing classes. I was lazy and unmotivated. It’s crazy how I went from being at risk of academic probation to receiving Dean’s List during my last two terms of college. From changing my GPA from a 1.98 to a 2.73 has been a huge academic feat for me. Although my GPA is no where near a 4.0, I feel as if I have accomplished and overcome so much to get to where I am today. I never thought I would see this day.

Currently, I am working three jobs, seven days a week. I’m exhausted. There are days where I feel stressed, negative, and annoyed but I need to keep reminding myself not to give up now. I don’t ever want to drift from my goals and passions for my future. My biggest ambition for right now is to go back to school and receive my Master’s degree. There is nothing I want more than that. I truly believe education will be the key to changing my life around. It can help me change a negative to a positive. It will make me realize who I am, what I want, and it will ultimately give me worldly knowledge that I can use throughout my life. I’m almost 24 already and I don’t want to live my life in regret. 

Quote of the Day

“My mother once told me that if you have a choice between being respected and being loved, always choose being respected. Because if someone respects you, love may come. But if they love you without respect, it will go.”
Governor Chris Christie on Oprah’s Next Chapter

When does it end?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I don’t know where we stand. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your anger turns to sadness. When I think about our relationship, nothing comes out but tears. I feel hopeless. I feel frustrated. I feel hurt. Relationships are not supposed to be this painful so I don’t know why it feels like my heart is breaking. I’ve tried and tried again to see it as just bumps along the road, but it’s not that simple. Relationships usually don’t last not because things changed, but because things don’t change; they stay the same. I don’t know if I want to hold on and do this anymore. I’m tired of crying over and over again; hoping that just maybe, tomorrow things will be a little different. That you’ll hurt me a little less today than you did yesterday. Tired of all the fussing and pain we cause each other. Words that may seem harmless, but pierces our feelings like a fresh wound to the heart. Tired of the stubbornness and pride we both seem too scared to let go of. It’s not that I am giving up on us. I’m just so tired of fighting. Tired of trying and ending up with the same results…every…single…time.

The affection, sweetness, and the small things I used to love feel like a blur. They no longer exist. Instead, it has been replaced by tears of sorrow, regret, and resentment. I don’t want to stand here, hanging on, when the very thing I held is disappearing more and more with each passing day.

Dalai Lama's 18 Rules of Living

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Blessed

It’s been a long week so overall, I’m starting to experience some stress. I feel overwhelmed, but not in a bad way. I’ve been inspired, to say the least. Lately, I’ve been wondering what is important to me and who matters most in my life. Just this past week, I’ve taken into account some of the most meaningful lessons. What it means to be a loyal friend, a good daughter, and the importance to surround myself with the people I love most. I have the most amazing family. They support me in everything I do and it doesn’t hurt that I also have a best friend who is down for me in every way possible. I can truly say, I lead a blessed life.