static

I should warn you.

My heart feels like a waiting room and I’ve already
tried vodka, poems, and boys. Truth is, I am getting harder to love.

Yet, I like that you’re talking to me.
Because when you talk to me, my mind goes quiet.
You see, when my mind isn’t quiet, I get afraid.
And when I’m afraid,

I sleep with the television on, volume low

so the voices can’t quite touch me.
Everything is just static. I am okay, I tell myself, over and over again.
But what are words when I don’t even trust in myself?
And so, I’ll keep you close because attention is the only thing I can trust.
I’ll revel in the sweet texts and empty kisses.
Then I let my pain stay until it is ready to go,
until it says, “Enough of your love, enough already.”
So even before you decide to approach me, before you take one more step:

Let me warn you again. You cannot love me. Don’t even try.
Love will ruin you just a little bit. Just like love ruined me.