On the pursuit of happiness...

It's been a while since I have sat down and truly decided to write. I’ve been in a dark place these past few weeks and I just can’t help but feel vulnerable. There is a side of me I can’t show you. A side of me I can’t show anyone. I’ve been growing and building and feeding this wall, you see. This wall, inside of me, has been building itself for years. And this wall is almost finally complete. In hopes that the higher I build these walls, no one would be able to get through. Maybe I won’t ever have to feel love again because I never want to feel that pain for a second time. Or perhaps I was just hoping this whole time for something worthy. Someone worthy enough to break down this wall of mine before it could outdo itself. Before it could lead to its own destruction.

When you came along, I wasn’t expecting anything. But you were so good to me and little by little, I got swept up in that and found myself falling for you. I felt myself getting attached and dependent. The feelings were getting too real for me. The wall I had built so carefully and flawlessly was becoming fragile and delicate. Instead of feeling happy, I feel weak. I’m too afraid of feeling this way. From feeling overtaken by sadness, from wanting to make a change in my life, from the realization that all I want is to be happy.

Happiness and love doesn’t live here anymore. It hasn’t for a long time. My wall has been rebuilding itself, stronger than ever, and this baby isn't coming down. It isn't fair to you. And it’s either I suck it up, stick around, and lead you to believe I’m content. Or just walk away. Maybe I’ll never change and I’ll never know what its like to let someone in again. But I’m willing to take that risk. Because I just want to be happy and this isn’t it. You can call me complicated or selfish and even tell me I’ll regret it. But I know I won't. I am numb with guilt, but I have to do it for myself. And there really is no easy way to say goodbye. Except that I’m sorry you wasted your time on someone like me.

lovely