I can honestly say I have fallen in love only once in my life.
I was seventeen and a senior in HS. Beyond shy, naive, and eminently innocent. If I said that I had a lot of friends back then, I would be lying. I always felt awkward in high school, only keeping close to both my best friends. He, on the other hand, was everybody's friend and everyone knew him. He was funny and charming and easily loved by all. This boy with his air of presence could simply leave an impression on anyone that knew him and when he walked into a room, you would know. He always had this certain boyish charm about him passing by me in the hallway with his million dollar smile, giving daps to boys and hugs to girls. His presence had me school girl blushin' and I just couldn't figure it out. I took in his voice, his smile, his laugh, his cheesy jokes, his everything and locked it deep down inside my heart. He was endlessly charming and wonderful. I was hopelessly awkward and un-impressionable. I had always came to the conclusion: he would probably never approach me, talk to me, let alone notice me.
I never would've guessed he would one day, even for a second, see me the way I saw him. After all, I was a fool who believed I was never good enough, who believed I had nothing to offer this guy who was loved by everyone. In the end, I would never have guessed he would be the first boy to hold my hand, kiss me, rock me to sleep, tell me sweet nothings, and ultimately leave me with this unwanted emptiness in the pit of my stomach. From the first moment he made small talk, gave me a friendly hug in the halls, stole my number from his friend, called me that first night...the rest was history. After the hours-long phone conversations every night, that first lunch date where he interwined my fingers with his, and ended it with a kiss on my forehead, I wore my heart on my sleeve. For him. Because I wanted him and I wanted this unexplainable feeling to stay for as long as it possibly could. It was wonderful. It was magical. It was indescribable. A blessing. And I loved this boy. This boy everyone loved, this boy with the brown eyes who could make my knees weak with just one touch, one laugh, one look. I made him my world and maybe that was where I went wrong. But I didn't care. I gave myself to him for the taking just because he could. He had control over my emotions, thoughts, body. He had control over me. I poured out my most inner feelings, my underlying secrets, my fears and darkest insecurities because I wanted him to know me best. To see the real me and love me for it.
When he slowly drifted away from me, it felt like my world was leaving me. Like I was undeserving of his love and I was the girl he did not want any longer. I loved him, but he wasn't sure if he loved me. And it was painful. Like experiencing a wonderful world you never knew existed and then having it ripped from you. It broke me down like falling when all I wanted was flying. The person who had been there all along was suddenly gone with no desire to return. And in the end, I was the one who was left shattered with only memories, tears, and a forgotten feeling of happiness.
Although love left me crying myself to sleep for nights, refused to let me trust for years, left me fragile; I feel happy. I feel grown. I feel healed. I loved so hard, I feel blessed. I feel like a different woman.
My thoughts have been overwhelming these past few weeks. Amidst the chaos of them, I've added to mind collisions whether I'm standing in line at the store or laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. With only thoughts to interrupt thoughts, the only thing I could come up with was writing down what it is that is in my head.
She is the only person who "gets" me.
It's been 2010 for a week now and I guess it all just hasn't really sinked in yet. I just felt like 2009 went by extremely fast and I can't believe now it's another year already. At first, I thought to myself, "Did I really have time to enjoy 2009? Did I do anything spectacular or out of the blue?" But then the more I thought, the more I realized 2009 was indeed a great year. There were so many good times which in turn made it all seem to go by way too fast. I'm actually realizing that I'm kinda, sorta sad to see it go in a way. But a new year means a time to make new memories and I'm actually looking forward to see what's in store for me.
I was sitting at the computer when my 11-year-old sister ran down the stairs. "The ice cream truck is here!" she shouted and jetted out the door. I smiled, remembering how I once also could not contain my excitement when I heard the beautiful jingle of the ice cream truck song. She came home, happy as could be, ice cream cone with jimmies in hand and all. Remembering this familiar feeling, I, too, wanted the same joy I once had felt. As I reached for my wallet, I asked my sister, "How much was it?" The next thing that came out of my mouth surprised the living shit out of me. "2 dollars?! Back in MY day, ice cream cost a dollar and a extra quarter for jimmies. Now THOSE were the days." After spilling these words, I choked just a little. Then I remembered. I remembered being just a youngin' and being lectured by my parents or grown-ups. I would have to bear listening to them talk nonsense about "Back in MY day, I had to walk 15 miles to get to school" or "Back in MY day, there were no computers, or Internet, or cellphones" and well, you get the point. I had vowed to myself that when I grew up, I would never ever give kids crap about how things used to be. That's when I realized at that exact moment. Fuck, I'm getting old.
There's too many things I haven't done yet, too many sunsets I still haven't seen. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion...I won't waste your days away by wishing they would slow down.
